10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women

By Molly Shannon

1. At the same rate you’re losing your hair, we’re getting a mustache.

2. We’re not afraid you’re cheating on us; we’re afraid you’re retarded.

3. We thought we’d end up with someone hotter, too.

4. There’s nothing less sexy than catching a guy sniffing the butt of his jeans to see if they’re clean.

5. An open shirt isn’t sexy. Richie Sambora can’t pull it off. Neither can you. One or two buttons undone at the top of your shirt max.

6. Don’t bother with the G-spot until you’ve mastered the A, B, C, D, E, and F-spots.

7. “Island wear” is a cue to us that you’re bad in bed.

8. It’s not the thought that counts; it’s whether or not we can return it and get what we really want.

9. The three words every woman really longs to hear: I’ll clean up.

10. Sometimes no means “I would have, but you’re over thirty and spend your nights playing Xbox.

Source: Esquire, May 2007

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

By Charlayne Woodard

1. We revel in our own power, just like men do. We don’t want to have to squelch ourselves so our man can feel strong. So rise up and meet us eye to eye in our queenliness.

2. We don’t need to hear “I love you.” We prefer to feel “I love you,” see “I love you,” experience “I love you.”

3. We love a well-groomed man. Hair sticking out of the ears and nose is a turnoff. Also, long nails belong on pimps.

4. We hate it when you’re talking to us on the phone and typing on your computer at the same time. No, we don’t like that at all.

5. We don’t consider the ear an erogenous zone.

6. We don’t like to have sex when we’re not in the mood, but we do it all the time. (And men can’t tell the difference.)

7. Women love men who love their mothers. Men who love their mothers generally know, love, and have great respect for women.

8. On the other hand, women hate it when men talk about their mothers all the time.

9. We need a plan. We don’t feel comfortable winging it. We need the specifics of what’s going on and who’s going to be there. That way we know what to wear.

10. We like to be kissed, and the kiss doesn’t always need to be a prelude to sex. We love the surprise kisses. Gift kisses. An out-of-the-blue kiss while we’re watering plants or peeling potatoes.

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

By Rachel Shelley

1. A woman never gets a Brazilian for her own benefit. Imagine shock therapy on your genitals and you come close to understanding the pain and humiliation. So next time, give her a big, fat reward. All night.

2. There is no such thing as women’s intuition. You all just have crap poker faces.

3. What we really want is slow and sensual.

4. Then again, sometimes we like it hard and rough.

5. We constantly abuse and defend a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.

6. Opening doors for us, helping us with our jackets and chairs — we love all that. It’s a very sexy public form of foreplay. Call it fore-foreplay. Ignore this and you will have a lot more work to do if you get invited in for coffee. Indulge us and the car ride home could blow your mind.

7. A woman will try on as many combinations of sexy underwear as she will dresses before that first hot date.

8. Don’t expect that to last past the third date.

9. A woman will never discuss her boyfriend’s “size” if there is anything lacking in that department. It’s as much a source of disappointment and embarrassment for us as it is for you.

10. On a related note, we never do unkind impressions of what you look like when you come. Unless, of course, it was a really bad breakup. Then everyone’s going to know — friends, family, work colleagues, the guy who does your dry cleaning.

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

By Julia Louis-Dreyfus

1. We know what you’re doing when you put your hand in your pocket.

2. We think it’s okay if you get fat and go bald. Please do us the same courtesy.

3. When we say we “almost tried that in college,” it means we did. At least twice.

4. When we start getting undressed in front of you with the lights on, it means we’ve lost interest.

5. No, that is not our clitoris, but please–keep trying.

6. If you’re funny, we will sleep with you.

7. Your Christopher Walken impression does nothing for us sexually.

8. Of course we know how to work the TiVo. We’re not stupid.

9. We know: You just push the Select button and then the Play button.

10. Yes, that’s the Play button. We can read. Oh, no, sorry, that’s the Input button. Forget it. This is impossible. You do it.

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

By Judy Greer

1. We’re way more vulgar than you. We just aren’t as loud.

2. We don’t really mind when you leave the toilet seat up. It’s evidence that you didn’t piss all over it.

3. We drink till you’re cute, too.

4. Whoever told you that we love spooning is wrong. You fall asleep immediately, and we’re pinned under your heavy, sweaty limbs, trying desperately to break free before you start snoring. And yes, you will start snoring.

5. No, we don’t want to listen to you play the Guns N’ Roses song you just learned on your guitar (or bass or drums). We’re not in college anymore. Sitting on your couch while you struggle through “November Rain” is painful. Have mercy.

6. “You’re so smart” actually means, “You’re so adorable when you try to act smart.”

7. Sexy beats cute. Smart trumps sexy. Funny takes the pot.

8. When we say cool, really, wow, and huh, we’re not listening, either.

9. We don’t really expect you to like romantic comedies. We just make you watch them as payback for all the baseball games, Metallica concerts, and Super Bowl parties we sit through with you. And for the record, we, unlike you, have yet to fall asleep in the middle of any of them.

10. We never fake orgasms. Okay, once in a while we do. But only for the sake of expediency.

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

By Caroline Rhea

1. Being taken to Costco does not constitute a date. Unless, of course, you call on Wednesday and ask us to go to Costco on Saturday. Do that and you can buy all the bulk you want.

2. Occasionally tell a funny girl you love her for her looks, and a pretty girl for her brains.

3. Stop getting manicures. Now. When we start lunching at Hooters, you can start caring about your cuticles. Until then, back off.

4. A fantasy life is not exclusively yours. You know how sometimes you open your eyes and are disappointed not to see Pamela Anderson? We’re just as shocked to find out you’re not a pirate.

5. We don’t go blind for split seconds at a time. It’s an urban myth. When you adjust yourself, we can see you.

6. It’s a ponytail, not a gearshift.

7. Please don’t call us ma’am. Ma’am is just code for “no longer hot.”

8. Cologne, like talking during sex, is effective only in small quantities. And Budweiser, despite its ability to enhance attraction, is not cologne.

9. Never tell us that we look like the daughter from The Love Boat. Oh, wait– never tell Caroline Rhea she looks like the daughter from The Love Boat. All the other girls are on their own.

10. We’ll take Joe Returns-My-Call over Joe Millionaire any day.

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

By Jill A. Davis

1. We don’t ever want to see the inside of an Olive Garden.

2. Sure, we make seventy-six cents for every buck you make, but we outlive you by six years and get to spend whatever you leave behind. So suddenly the seventy-six cents is starting to look more like $1.25.

3. Have we ever mentioned how grateful we are that we don’t have to shave our faces once a day, every day, for fifty years?

4. We dig bunker buster Donald Rumsfeld. He doesn’t use excessive hair gel, and neither should you.

5. Okay, okay: We do envy your penis. But only because it seems really convenient to have a measuring stick in your pants.

6. Our beef with Lifetime? No Robotica.

7. We love you! We’re crazy about you! How else can you explain the Girls Gone Wild series?

8. Being clean is so much more important than being rich or cute.

9. We’re the forgiving, open-minded sex. Except when you fuck with our tweezers.

10. Boxers or briefs? Who cares, as long as they’re clean and you know how to take ‘em off to music.

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

By Sanaa Lathan

1. Guys, stop dousing yourselves with fragrance. If a man is swimming in cologne, chances are he’s drowning out all of his better qualities.

2. Men who wear sunglasses at night don’t look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog.

3. I know it’s 2006, and believe me when I say that a woman can more than stand on her own. Nevertheless, we still love it when, every so often, you take control. Without stepping on our toes.

4. Don’t go running in fear or in search of the fire extinguisher every time we start crying. Sometimes tears are a good thing. Stick around for the end result.

5. We do have a sixth sense. Women, like Santa Claus, know when you’ve been bad or good. So you know what to do . . . for goodness’ sake.

6. Women can stomach more than you think. We’ve seen Scarface and all three Godfathers just as many times as youhave. And our Tony Montana impression just might be better than yours, even ifwe don’t do it as often.

7. Our favorite foreplay technique? Mental stimulation. The kind where we’re mentally tickled to the point of laughter.

8. Contrary to popular belief, longer in bed is not necessarily better. I’m not talking about size here, fellas (more on that later); I’m talking about duration. Let’s just say that if you’re pushing an hour (no pun intended), we’ll likely be stifling a yawn.

9. Size really doesn’t matter that much. Big can be less pleasurable than average. But no pinkies. (Think about the fingers on your hands.)

10. When doubt has crept in and we’ve driven you to insanity, remember this: According to the Bible, “Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.”

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

By Lucinda Rosenfeld

1. Think lips, not larynx, and nice things might happen to you.

2. Put your wallet back in your pants and let us pick up the next round.

3. We order our salad dressing on the side because we are control freaks. We’d like to control you. Because we can’t, we control lettuce.

4. We are not all that enthusiastic about men who have extensive knowledge of female reproductive health. Men who tell us what exercises we can do to ease our menstrual cramps and who know the best course of treatment for recurring yeast infections freak us out.

5. We don’t actually care what you look like so long as your looks don’t constitute a social liability. If you can figure out how to make us laugh, we’ll find a way to ignore your steadily decreasing head-to-back-hair ratio.

6. We dislike it when you pound on the bathroom door and ask, “Hey, is everything okay in there?” You don’t want to know what’s going on in there.

7. We’re suspicious of your relationship with your sister. She’s roughly our age and has seen you naked.

8. Just let us cry.

9. We’re not just pretending to be annoyed when you keep changing the channel.

10. Unless a previous girlfriend has told you you’ve got great taste in jewelry, chances are, you don’t. Think about it this way: Do you ever see us wearing the weird bracelet you bought us? We haven’t returned it because we love you too much. And we really do love you.

 

10 Things You Don’t Know

Liz Vassey - 10 Things You Don’t Know About Women - Esquire.com

“Notice the small things. The rewards are inversely proportional.“

By Liz Vassey

1. If, when asking a lady to spend the night, she says no, accept it and do not try to tip the scales with an offer of breakfast. Any girl who is swayed by the prospect of an omelette is probably not a keeper.

2. Marry the girl you want to make eggs with (and I don’t mean that in any sort of weird, euphemistic sense).

3. There is no such thing as low maintenance or high maintenance, just a bunch of women hoping for a capable mechanic.

4. Rule: We won’t tolerate your lies. Exception: “You’re the prettiest girl in the room.”

5. We emotionally extricate ourselves gradually over the last few months of a relationship so that by the time we say good-bye, we’re ready. The signs are always there.

6. Despite your fantasies of lingerie, on the first couple of dates we’re probably sporting the much maligned “granny panty.” This is a time-honored method of self-restraint. The image of you being greeted by our double-wide, elastic-waist, daisy-covered underwear sufficiently motivates us to behave ourselves.

7. Go for the girl who can eat a proper meal. If she’s passionate about food, you’ll most likely be fortunate in other venues.

8. Notice the small things. The rewards are inversely proportional.

9. Don’t paint a nasty picture of your exes. We’ll justifiably wonder what made you stay in those heinous situations in the first place.

10. On the other hand, don’t paint too glowing of a picture or we’ll wonder how you ever could have messed it up. It’s a fine line. We’ll try to make it worth your while.